


Letter to Gordon

by Monsters_and_Matsu



Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [1]
Category: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst, HLVRAI, Heartbreak, M/M, Mental Anguish, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25634578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsters_and_Matsu/pseuds/Monsters_and_Matsu
Summary: A letter Benry has written from the aftermath of the hlvrai adventure.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869784
Comments: 8
Kudos: 118





	Letter to Gordon

Gordon,

We used to be the best of friends, you know? When we first met we got along so well. Like, it was like I found somebody that I had so much in common with. Just, I don’t know what it was but hanging out with you was so much fun. When I said shit you thought I was so funny. I felt happy for once. I felt like I had a friend I liked more than a friend.

But you didn’t feel the same, so I decided to live in the _friendzone._

It was my decision to live there, to try to deal with the pain. Because living without you hurt more than anything else you could say to me. I would never leave you, I’m too attached.

I feel like an idiot, all I wanted to do was to keep being friends. When you got angry at me it made me so sad, and the sadder I got that you were hurting me, the angrier you got that I got angry. I should have just told you why I got angry, I should have told you what was bothering me but you acted like you didn’t care. I tried to make things better, but nothing was working.

What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? 

I tried to be polite, I tried to move to different topics, I tried to just have fun like we used to, I tried to tell you what I didn’t like, I tried to show you I was hurting, I tried to listen to what you wanted to do. You used to try to make me happy, you used to try to be careful around me and help me deal with stuff. I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong, I couldn’t see that you couldn’t read my mind and see what was hurting me.

You kept saying you didn’t understand what was going on, you didn’t know what I was talking about. You could see that I was upset, couldn’t you? Maybe you couldn’t. Maybe I was scaring you. But nothing else was working, I even tried to ignore things I didn’t like so we wouldn’t have to deal with them. But that made you angry too, I didn’t have anything nice to say on those topics. The topics that hurt me, I tried to spare you from them. Haven't you ever heard of sparing someone’s feelings?

You said sorry to the other guys, but you just tried to kill me. That hurt man. That hurt on the inside and the outside, that hurt my feelings bro.

What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do?

I couldn’t tell you how much it hurt, I could never describe why when other people said stuff it didn’t bother me but when you said stuff it hurt so so much. We were so close, I trusted you. I wanted to be open with you but you didn’t feel the same so what was I supposed to do? I tried to just chill, I tried man. I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried.

I know you were level headed until you started getting angry. I was just doing my job, you made me get crazy when you wouldn’t listen to me. We could have solved things, you know, conflict resolution. We were so set on our own goals that we wouldn’t listen to each other. We couldn’t step back and deal with the real root of our problems. Of my problem.

I tried so hard to change myself for you. I just wanted to be your friend. I compromised as much as I could handle. We just argued. We cast blame. We both started to feel bad. Our friendship used to be okay and then I made one too many mistakes. I felt so bad, I wanted you to forgive me so bad. I couldn’t lose my best friend. Not again. I’m tired of losing my best friend. I’ll never have that same connection I had with you. I know you don’t think you're special, but I liked you. You made me feel like a real person, you were interesting, you liked to play in the mud with me, you still had patience and smarts when everyone else ran away from me.

I just want to be friends again, I just wanna talk. Kiss? Hug? I’m being nice. I’ve always tried to be nice, but you made me angry. I kept pushing my feelings aside cause I couldn’t say them in a way you understood.

I was so jealous of the new people talking to you, the way you treated them nicely. I got so angry that our friendship was getting worse, I couldn’t control myself. And once they were dead I didn’t have to worry about them anymore. It was better that way, it stabilized our friendship. I wouldn’t get mad and you couldn’t hurt me.

But I couldn’t project our friendship no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t change your mind, you were gonna keep hurting me. Eventually you would destroy me because you cared more about other things in your life then me. I just wanted everything to stay the same. Why did all this have to happen? I was trying my best. I tried to spare your feelings, I tried to tell you how I felt, I became so unhappy. I just wanted to be friends again.

The friends that could tell each other anything, I tried. I tried to listen when you said things that hurt me. Now we got angry and everything went to pieces. This was my worst fear. I just wanted to be friends again, I just wanted to be friends again, I just wanted to be friends again.

Why couldn’t you just take a hint??? I couldn’t communicate with you any other way. I couldn’t tell you the truth without you getting angry at me. I knew you wouldn’t understand. I started to think everything was my fault bro, I hated myself. I said to myself, “Why is our friendship getting worse and worse? What am I doing wrong? I’m trying so hard to be nice...”

Other people aren’t you. I wanted you, bro. I never liked someone as much as you, bro. I was willing to sit in the _friendzone_ because at least you were still in my life that way. You were willing to still talk to me and we became best friends. But then you kept saying that we weren’t best friends anymore. You had other people that were your friends. I was just one of many friends. What was I supposed to do? You meant more to me then any of my other friends, my online friends never said anything interesting. They’re so boring in comparison. I could care less if I never talked to them ever again because they didn’t know the real me.

I trusted you, you forced me to be mean and I didn’t want to be.

I hate hurting people, bro. You made me do it. You made me get angry because you wouldn’t listen. I know I didn’t tell you the truth but I knew it would only make you hate me more, I couldn’t change myself. If I was just made different then maybe you would have given me a chance, mister straighty. We could have been happy, but I just wasn’t what you wanted. But you still wanted to be friends and that was good enough for me. I liked being friends. I liked just spending time with you. We were best friends, you were my best friend. I just wanted to be your best friend. It hurt. It hurt to not be good enough. It hurt to not be as important to you as you were to me. I was willing to do anything, face any pain for our friendship.

I was willing to die for you.

Over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

I didn’t want to control you. I wanted you to just be friends with me again. I liked you, I liked the things you had to say, I liked you as a person when you weren’t always hurting me. I knew you weren’t being mean to me on purpose. You were just talking to other people, being kind. The traits I liked about you. But I felt like I was slipping, you didn’t like me anymore because you didn’t understand why I was bothering you. I was trying to keep things from changing, I was trying to keep things from getting worse. But I still failed.

Now I’m alone. Nothing is fun anymore because the hurt is too strong. I’m in so much pain. Why did you do this to me, Gordon? I know you care more about yourself than me. I just wanted to keep being friends. I couldn’t trust anybody but you. I tried to make things right and I made a mistake.

All I can do is ask for you to give me one more chance but why would you… how could I convince you that we could work through this. I know the world was ending and that was more stressful for you but I just wanted to resolve the conflict between us. I needed you to care about me so I could feel better and then we could be friends again.

Is it too late now? I still want to try to resolve things, but only if you listen to me. I’ll listen to you too this time, I’ll be honest with you. I know a lot has happened. I made a lot of mistakes, I thought that it would make things better when really you just kept getting angry. I couldn’t see how stressed you were because of how stressed I was. So many things got ruined for me, so much in my life was bothering me but I always had this weight on my shoulders. I always felt bad that you didn’t like me how I liked you.

And I thought I was over it. I thought I didn’t like you like that anymore because you didn’t like me. Why would I want to kiss someone who didn’t like me? But we were friends.

I’m alone now.

I’m alone now.

I’m alone now.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

Everything I do is dull in comparison to what we used to do. Just being around you was enough to make me feel okay. Now with none of you, I want to stop existing. I don’t want a different best friend. You were the best one I found.

What do I do now? ...

You know, I play on the playstation to distract myself for a little while. It was fun. It was something I did with a couple of people that I was friendly with, but they weren’t my close friends. They were okay for a couple of hours then I got bored. Nothing in my life was fun, everything started becoming dull. At least at work I had a purpose. There is no passion in my life. Everything is bland. I don’t know why I exist. Everything is dull. The things I used to like are boring now. Even my own mind is running dry, nothing creative. No time to refill.

I hate it here. I’m bored here. I’m alone here.

I’m just trying to kill time. I’m just trying to kill time at this point. This world is too small for me. I’m here by myself and I’m bored of trying to make the days less painful. Why should I live if I’m not even having fun? This is no fun.

This sucks.

Do you know how much this sucks for me? I feel bad all the time now because you aren’t here and you're mad at me. I tried so hard to have you stop being mad at me but nothing worked. Why do I have to live with the pain now? We used to be friends. We used to be good friends. What am I supposed to do now? Everybody sucks in comparison to you.

I couldn’t say or do anything to make things better. I wish the world was different. Even I can’t change it. You’ve always been the one in control. I felt like a passing story. Now I’m suffering that the story ended how it did. Is there more to come? Will you talk to me again? I don’t know. This sucks...

I hate it here...

There’s nothing to do that’s fun. I miss you.

I really just want things to go back to how they were before. Please.

....

[Benry]


End file.
